From the Corner of My Diary

Texts are getting shorter!  Long conversation. Late night chats. Everything about us is falling apart.  Do you feel that.. I have started walking away from your thoughts.. Do you feel it.. I just don't want to save me But I want to save us! You are still staying apart with your ignorant self. I am dying inside. You are hiding behind your self-conscious mask. I  am losing you.. No.. I never have you.. You never let me, have you.. My concern for "you" makes you feel strangled.. You are getting annoyed with my texts.. I am good.. Maybe I am too good for you.. Or Maybe I am going over the board with your thoughts.. I don't want to bother you.. Don't any more.. I am letting you go slowly.. You never belong to me. I should stop pretending like it doesn't hurt. It does hurt. I did cry in the night. Does it hurt you! Or it's just me!...

"Are You Sheep? You are Dragoon  then Be a Dragoon" Daenerys Targaryen is my dearest memorable GOT character, even though she lost herself in the end. She is shamed betrayed sold raped and she chooses to rise above everything because she has faith in herself... Losing faith in yourself is the biggest sin in this world.. Depending on Trusting someone are choices that you are bound to make in your life.. End of the day, you can't deny your social identical existence, no matter how much you try to stay away from social stigma. You are the part of this social symmetrical structure. You can't break out .. yes you can't.. someday, you have to return into this social life.  Well.. that's is true.. you are allowed to lose yourself in a dark alley.. you are allowed to break down.. you are allowed to cry hard.. but you are not allowed to give up on yourself. some people are going to break your heart.. some people are going to break your trust. some are here just to enjo...

feeling numb ...  I don't know what am I feeling right now... I am agitated.. I am upset.. I am irritated.. I am angry.. I am ok.. I am good.. I think I cannot sum up my whole feelings right now in one simple word.. everything is running in slow mode.. my present days are playing an only melancholy tune. .. sad songs become the anthem of life.. my father's ranting spicing up my foul mood.. my emotions..my feelings..  I don't know exactly what is happening to me... Right now, I think it's better for me to give up..  Yes.. giving up on my feelings.. stopping myself from figure out what am I feelings.... I think it's better for me to stop scrutinising my thoughts.. my thoughts are right now scattered..  my scrambled thoughts are running wild..  and I have no energy to sort out my thoughts..  it's better for me if I should take a rest.... I don't want to feel anything.. my thoughts are like missing puzzles right now..  Peace! Inner Peace matters most. Peac...

So, It's been six months, I have started dating Him, Mr.Mukherjee.  And I am on the verge of my overthinking syndrome. Yess. I like him.. I like him a lot. But.. Yess, ” But” comes along with my likeness for him. From the very beginning, he always keeps it real. He doesn’t carry a “dramatic sweet boyfriend” fragrance with him. He is really raw; I mean he never tries to fake it. I have fallen for him after seeing his passion for his work. Then, from where “this but” does come from? He is a Private Person. He carries his world with him but he never let you to enter into his world. He wants his private space. His mysterious aura comes from this. He keeps the door closed for everyone. He hates it when anyone tries to invade his space. He is like, deep clean clam water, from the surface it looks like everything is calm and quiet but underneath this calmness lot of things is going on and he doesn’t want anyone to know that. I RESPECT THAT. I never ever try to invade his pri...

  For me, Love is highly overrated dreamy exotic feelings… love is kind of poetical illusion, not a practical thing ….  Well, that’s my expressive thoughts. After long turmoil, a long argument battle I have agreed to meet with Him. Yeah, my parents kind of pushed me.         Maa told me, he was going to call you in the morning so be prepared yourself. I didn’t know what she actually meant by telling me to prepare myself. NO CALL  .. I gave my mom my typical annoying look and she ignored it gracefully. Then around 8:30pm, he called.. and we had a brief talk. We agreed to chat.   I don’t know Why but his voice gave me chills, like wowww... Then we had a brief meeting at our place, oh my god, I must say from the very first day he gave me that Manly vibes. He was calm quiet and mysterious.   During the time of leaving, he turned his back and gave me such a meaningful expressive look and   that totally seemed like a scene from Drama...

I am not an extrovert person. I exactly know how to entertain myself. that's why lockdown days are not difficult for me. I am really ok with this. I have settled myself in my old room and my wifi is working so passing days are not hard for me. My parents have told me I have become quiet and not talking much with them.. they think I have changed. Well.. Yes.. I. have changed for my own good. Early days I had been trying hard to become flawless perfect daughter for them .. I had been waiting for the people to tick approved marked before my name so that I could feel approved .. I had been feeling inferior because people made feel that .. I had been feeling unwanted.. I had been keep questioning myself about own existence.. But NOT ANYMORE. I have accepted my flaws.   I have accepted my insecurities. I have made peace with myself. I have found my best friend in me.   I am not arrogant because I talk less.. I don't talk because I am not interes...

I t’s been a long time I haven't written anything..  I don't know what to write. I am not feeling like writing up something. I am feeling nothing.. Yes.. These days I don't feel anything. It’s like a complete emptiness.. While the entire world of my life falls into an empty pit. Everything is so quiet and calm.. Nothing bothers me.. I am just started living a quiet life. Doing things that I just want to do without arguing.. I have stopped explaining over and over again to everyone.   Thanks to Covd19 epidemic we have been locked down..  W e are not going out outside except it is an emergency..   Lockdown Days seem so unreal now.    Wake up..Eat..Sleep, again repeat it. That’s how my lockdown days are going on.. My days become long while nights are whispering in ears. Everything becomes so calm and quiet.   No horns, No loud people, No shouting, No buzzing noises, No pollution just quietness .. it seems like mother nature is fina...

What does literally Peace mean in our life! I often ask this question to myself. We all often quoted ' I want to live in peace'. So.. What does it mean to be 'live in peace'. Sometimes I wonder whether Peace means Running away or Giving up. How can I define Peace! Emotional Turmoil. Anxiety Disorder. Suicidal disorder. After going through so much I have realized every one defines peace in their own way. Peace changes it's meaning definition according to everyone's perspective.  My definition Of Peace is my way to reconnect myself with Emptiness.. For me Peace means Quietness Calmness Emptiness.. Yess Emptiness.. I don't want to feel anything.. I don't want to hold grudge pains in my heart. I just don't want to pour down sorrows in my heart. Emptiness liberates my heart from groaning pains. And I feel Peace.. this day I seem to feel content in the emptiness of my heart... I want to live ...

Another year comes to an end. If I look back then I must say this year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. My anxiety disorder comes back to me. My suicidal syndrome comes back again. I am living almost into emotional giving up verge.  My relatives' and father keep asking me to give up on my PhD dream. My seniors in university steal my thesis papers.  So if I need to sum up my entire year then I must say it is the worst year of my entire life. I have no idea what to expect from this new year. I want to embrace this new year with positivity. Positivity comes with positive thinking. My positive mantra for 2020 : Accept it and ignore it – Well few things are not going to change like my father’s nagging and my relative’s badmouthing.  I have been suffering a lot because of their words.. so I have decided to accept the fact that they are not going to change themselves and I can’t stop them from making prejudiced nasty comments  and  ...

New Morning.. New Day... As usual waiting for my train.. with me thousand of people are waiting in the station.. yes.. when I am saying thousand, I literally mean it... we, Indian are loud people.  The station is literally buzzing with loud noises. Suddenly I witness a blind woman is selling Christmas toys, pens in the station. She is carrying a huge backpack and keeping all these stuff in the backpack moving slowly from corner to another corner requesting people around her to buy Christmas gifts from her. Then she stands before me with her bright smile and requests me to buy something.  Her bright smile lightens up my world. Now it's past 12'o clock but her bright smiling face keeps coming back to me. Still, I can't forget her bright smiling face.  Is my life much harder than her~this question keeps bothering me.  Why am I living such complicated conflicted life.. why can't I just smile like her. Why... Why am I making my life so c...

I have shared a volatile contradictory relationship with my father. Yes. I don't share "I am Dady's little princess" kind of emotional precious bond with my father. He never wanted that neither did I ...  My father was always been kind of strict control freak person. He still wants to control everything and anything, that's his way to prove "he is the man of the house", typical Indian household story. In my father regime, it is his son, firstborn, my brother always been his first priority. My brother has been kind of prestigious project of Father. He had given everything to my brother in return he wanted my brother to won every time. My father's excessive possessiveness and controlling nature for brother turned out into a big mess when my brother started to revolt. It's my honour to watch my brother grown up into a fine man despite troubled childhood.  My brother has shared a love-hate relationship with my father. They have fought a...

my first suicidal thought: I had my first suicidal thought when I was in 7th standard, I even tried too. the reason was my poor school grades. I had tried to cut my vein and I still have the small scar in my left arm. Then again I had suicidal thought when I had done poorly in my final high school exam. but this time I did not try. somehow I had convinced myself to go on. Still, I have no idea, how did I convince myself that night.  Often people have termed the 'suicidal'  as a cowardly act. They are coward that's why they choose to end their life. It is an easy way out for the cowardly people. They tend to choose this path because they are weakling. But, before judging if you ever try to listen to their side of stories. before tagging them 'coward' do you guys ever try to help them out.  NOOO.   So when your near and dear ones seem to be giving up, don’t judge them; they’ve probably tried very hard and are now struggling to keep up. If you c...

I have failed in my paper submission. I have failed to clear my paper submission exam. I have tried yet I have failed. People often say failure is the first step to success. Failure makes you strong. Failure helps you to grow. But why am I feeling less! Why am feeling ashamed! Why would  I want to hide my face! Why!! It's like that my anxiety disorders are coming back to haunt me. My predators are waiting for me. I just want to hide somewhere in the corner. My childhood traumatic experiences are flooding back into memories. One Test! One failure! And I am feeling ashamed of myself. I have just started hating myself. I  just want to crawl back into the back hole. why does the result matter most! I have worked so hard yet I just fail to make it. Now, why am I feeling like all the hard works of mine are wastage of time? Why am I feeling inferior! How does a test result mould me in such a way!  Why!  B...