My father and Me

I have shared a volatile contradictory relationship with my father. Yes. I don't share "I am Dady's little princess" kind of emotional precious bond with my father. He never wanted that neither did I ... 

My father was always been kind of strict control freak person. He still wants to control everything and anything, that's his way to prove "he is the man of the house", typical Indian household story.

In my father regime, it is his son, firstborn, my brother always been his first priority. My brother has been kind of prestigious project of Father. He had given everything to my brother in return he wanted my brother to won every time. My father's excessive possessiveness and controlling nature for brother turned out into a big mess when my brother started to revolt. It's my honour to watch my brother grown up into a fine man despite troubled childhood. 

My brother has shared a love-hate relationship with my father. They have fought a lot than they also made up quickly. My father loves him more than anything so does my brother.

I really envy my brother because of his venting anger nature. Yes, he shouts..he yells and let all the bitterness goes out.. he never keeps his feelings inside of him. 

well. for me.. I can't shout.. I can't fight.. I keep all those memories pains inside of me.

I had always tried to get my father's attention. I did whatever my brother did. I dressed up like my brother. I played cricket like my brother.  I did every single thing my brother did. I never had dollhouse or Barbie or any kind of girly toys, because my brother didn't want to play with those. My father gave a cricket bat to my brother as a birthday present and I had started playing with it because generally I never had a birthday present from my parents in my childhood. 

I never wanted anything from my father whatever he gave my brother I played with it. My brother always had shared everything with me.  I just wanted to be my brother's shadow to get my father's attention, then I just realised whatever I did, I never gonna be in my father's first priority book and I had given up.

Well.. for me I always have shared a kind of weird relationship with my father. Awkward, Irritation, Anger, Frustration~ these are feeling I have whenever I talk with my father.  

It seems like he always expects me to give up. It's very casual and easy for him to tell me to give up, like "your brother going to have it, so give it to him."  For my brother, he is like I can give him everything and for me he always wants me to understand like I need to understand why should I give up, I need to understand why can't I have it and list goes on.........

So basically, I have lived a childhood, teenage with giving up way. 

My second grandma( maa's aunt) saves the day for me. She always, even now she takes me to the shop and asks me to buy anything I want for myself.  

It's not like I am sad that's why I am writing.. It's like after a long time I am evaluating the father-daughter relationship equation.

if I look back, it seems like he never been in my childhood memories. In my story, my father becomes an invisible factor. He always looks up for his son.. 

From the very childhood, I have been used with my give up nature. I do feel bad.. I do cry... I do feel jealous... 

But, I neither challenge their bond nor change it. 

So Yeah...I am happy with this broken bridge relationship.