To deal with my anxiety disorder my doctor told me to figure
out my own fears.
Well, from my early
childhood I always got that Fearless tag with me. "she is totally fearless
stubborn girl" that's how people think of me.
But It is not the truth. I am not going to say that I am
pretending to be fearless before everyone. I never create my fearless image
consciously. Because I have no other choice except to become a fearless one.
During my childhood, I had grown up with grandmother. My dad
had his job and mom was busy with my
elder brother. It was not like they were giving me less attention, actually, my
brother was a good student in his school
days. He was always ranked in the top five. Here in India people are kind of obsessed
with the school results. Children have been faced discriminatory treatment base
on their school results and Parents are literately gone crazy if their children fail to secure good marks. And back then my parents were literally part
of this sick society. so they were always strict with my brother, poor kid. In the midst of this crazy rigid
daily life, my mom was never been a concern with my results because I was a poor
student. I was a totally hopeless nutcase. No one even bothered about me..Yeah...
I
had my grandmother with me. She was like a warm lighthouse.... I am still missing her. she was not with me
anymore.
That's a little flashback of my not soo cool childhood. My grandma was old
and I never wanted her to feel burden because of me so I didn't share my fears anxiety with her, I kept my fears to
myself.
One nightmare changed my life. still it is fresh in my
memories. I was eight years old. I used
to watch Indian superhero show Shaktiman in my childhood and superhero was
fighting against all kind of Aliens
demons .. old school Indian Avengers storyline. I was a scary cat every time
demon appeared on the tv screen I closed my eyes with my hands. one night I was
sleeping alone in my room. I had a dream that demon was coming after me. I was
shouting for my parents my brother my grandma but no one was there to help me.
I was alone trapped in a cave. Suddenly My subconscious mind told me it was a dream and I waked up in cold sweat.
 |
My Childhood Superhero
Shaktimaan |
From that day, even today I can remember my all dreams and
mostly I can decide on which point I should wake up from my dream. So basically I am a lucid dreamer.
Being growing up alone, I have no choice but to face my
fears alone. Yes, I am scared of so many
things. I am scared of ghosts, because of that ugly demon, reptiles, street
dogs.. I still can't watch horror movies.
My doctor suggests me to share my fears with others, now
tell me how could I share my fears with those people who already have an assumption about me that this girl is fearless. Still today I can't even share
my fears with mom. So it is kind of
awkward for me to go out tell everyone oh yeah I am scared of ghosts. boo...
To be frank I have on one in my life right now with whom I
can share my fears. I have on one who can listen to my stories patiently and pat
my head telling me it is ok to be scared. so basically I always pat myself and
compliment myself. that's how I deal with my fears.
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