From the Corner of My Diary

Another year comes to an end. If I look back then I must say this year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. My anxiety disorder comes back to me. My suicidal syndrome comes back again. I am living almost into emotional giving up verge.  My relatives' and father keep asking me to give up on my PhD dream. My seniors in university steal my thesis papers.  So if I need to sum up my entire year then I must say it is the worst year of my entire life. I have no idea what to expect from this new year. I want to embrace this new year with positivity. Positivity comes with positive thinking. My positive mantra for 2020 : Accept it and ignore it – Well few things are not going to change like my father’s nagging and my relative’s badmouthing.  I have been suffering a lot because of their words.. so I have decided to accept the fact that they are not going to change themselves and I can’t stop them from making prejudiced nasty comments  and  ...

New Morning.. New Day... As usual waiting for my train.. with me thousand of people are waiting in the station.. yes.. when I am saying thousand, I literally mean it... we, Indian are loud people.  The station is literally buzzing with loud noises. Suddenly I witness a blind woman is selling Christmas toys, pens in the station. She is carrying a huge backpack and keeping all these stuff in the backpack moving slowly from corner to another corner requesting people around her to buy Christmas gifts from her. Then she stands before me with her bright smile and requests me to buy something.  Her bright smile lightens up my world. Now it's past 12'o clock but her bright smiling face keeps coming back to me. Still, I can't forget her bright smiling face.  Is my life much harder than her~this question keeps bothering me.  Why am I living such complicated conflicted life.. why can't I just smile like her. Why... Why am I making my life so c...

I have shared a volatile contradictory relationship with my father. Yes. I don't share "I am Dady's little princess" kind of emotional precious bond with my father. He never wanted that neither did I ...  My father was always been kind of strict control freak person. He still wants to control everything and anything, that's his way to prove "he is the man of the house", typical Indian household story. In my father regime, it is his son, firstborn, my brother always been his first priority. My brother has been kind of prestigious project of Father. He had given everything to my brother in return he wanted my brother to won every time. My father's excessive possessiveness and controlling nature for brother turned out into a big mess when my brother started to revolt. It's my honour to watch my brother grown up into a fine man despite troubled childhood.  My brother has shared a love-hate relationship with my father. They have fought a...

my first suicidal thought: I had my first suicidal thought when I was in 7th standard, I even tried too. the reason was my poor school grades. I had tried to cut my vein and I still have the small scar in my left arm. Then again I had suicidal thought when I had done poorly in my final high school exam. but this time I did not try. somehow I had convinced myself to go on. Still, I have no idea, how did I convince myself that night.  Often people have termed the 'suicidal'  as a cowardly act. They are coward that's why they choose to end their life. It is an easy way out for the cowardly people. They tend to choose this path because they are weakling. But, before judging if you ever try to listen to their side of stories. before tagging them 'coward' do you guys ever try to help them out.  NOOO.   So when your near and dear ones seem to be giving up, don’t judge them; they’ve probably tried very hard and are now struggling to keep up. If you c...

I have failed in my paper submission. I have failed to clear my paper submission exam. I have tried yet I have failed. People often say failure is the first step to success. Failure makes you strong. Failure helps you to grow. But why am I feeling less! Why am feeling ashamed! Why would  I want to hide my face! Why!! It's like that my anxiety disorders are coming back to haunt me. My predators are waiting for me. I just want to hide somewhere in the corner. My childhood traumatic experiences are flooding back into memories. One Test! One failure! And I am feeling ashamed of myself. I have just started hating myself. I  just want to crawl back into the back hole. why does the result matter most! I have worked so hard yet I just fail to make it. Now, why am I feeling like all the hard works of mine are wastage of time? Why am I feeling inferior! How does a test result mould me in such a way!  Why!  B...

And I know there are lots of people out there, like me, who are still thinking of themselves as "Anti-Social". I hate gatherings. Because of too many people, I have always tried to sneak out from any gatherings.  People and their fake pretentious smiles, oh god, I just hate it.  The social world and social norms exhaust me.  Every moment I have to pretend to be someone else.  Sometimes I have the feelings of "anti-social" like everyone is enjoying to being fake and I am the one who is carrying the burden for being real.     I AM not fake or anti-social. It's just MY way of thinking. I am not anti-social but tend to avoid social gatherings or interactions with too many people, as it drains me out totally. When it comes to thinking and making any important decisions, I take a deep dive into myself and allow no one to interfere with the process. I keep calm and like to maintain a low-key profile and take pride in my independen...

"BE  BRAVE" People often advise you  just to "be brave"  Is it like "being brave" is so easy? Putting a brave face before everyone. Denying the fear which is emotionally cripple your life. It is even difficult to breathe when people around you stop supporting you! You have started to doubt your own existence.  Sharing your story with others even becomes a burden for yourself.  Your fears and insecurities have started taking over your life, yet people call it fake.   Everything around you is falling apart.  Even your family give up on you. You are drowning in your emotional  difficulties and people criticise you for being "overly sensitive" Then people tell you to be brave.  Before telling someone to "Be Brave" try to feel the pains.. the wounds. Being Brave is not an easy 24*7 job.

my love life .. my break up.   it's totally irked me. I had been in a "serious committed relationship" and this "serious committed relationship" was kind of sucking my blood from the very first day. After tolerating one half-year I  had just decided to put an end to this "blood-sucking" "serious committed relationship". So.. I was working as an intern in a newspaper house and I had fallen for him. How did we meet! during my internship days, I was totally into photography. I had met with him at a photo exhibition seminar. We both shared the same interests like photography, reading.. we exchanged our phone numbers and we started chatting..  and like cliche drama storyline I had fallen in love with him. From the very very first moment, he complained about one thing that "I was a bad girlfriend" YESS! And he listed out all the reasons: you didn't like couple cute name. you didn't call me often. you didn...

I am tired. Really exhausted. Fighting a battle with your inner self is kind of tough.  Am I trying too hard! Am I forcing myself too much..  I just want to sit quietly for a while.  That's what I really want to do. People and their constant ranting make me tired. My father keeps talking about his life's biggest regrets as his children have failed him badly. My relatives are poking me every second with their typical "marriage" series questions.  I still don't get it why people have to say soo many things about my life. I am grown up mature woman. I have my own opinion. But people around me throwing their opinions on me and forcing me to believe that, accept that.  WHY! Why do I need to listen to them!  just because they are my relatives and I can't give up on them. or listening to them makes me more sociable goody girl. I DON'T WANT TO BE  A GOOD GIRL. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. My messy frizzy hair..tanned...

Winter Is Coming Cold bothers me a lot. I am suffering from Cold Fever and Breathing Problems. I have to take to Inhaler 8th times in a day. It's difficult for me to breathe. Not Doing Well.